The Plots The Villans Never Want You To Know About
by NekoVampireNinja
Summary: Every supervillan fails to take over the world at least once. Here are the hillarious failures of the most evil villains of Artemis Fowl!
1. What really happened to Briar Cudgeon

**WELCOME TO THE OPENING CHAPTER OF MY SECOND AF FANFIC! Hope you all enjoy, and, yes, I was editing.**

**Abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz**

LEP Squad 3 were having a bit of trouble. Briar Cudgeon was standing on the second floor of an umbrella factory, with a tea-towel tied across his face to hide his head. Obviously, this led to some communication problems, and Frond only knew how he could see.

"Herm! Nerf de derf numgph!"

"Deranged Ex-Lieutenant who is supposed to be dead! Please, step away from the vat of boiling hot melted umbrella material that we are standing conveniently in the path of if you decide to tip it over!"

"Nuuuuughm! Mmmph Nurmm!

"What's he saying?" Asked Captain Clueless.

Corporal Nitwit shrugged.

Then, Commander No-name entered.

"HOLD IT!" He held up a hand dramatically. "I speak mumble!"

"Hmmmgh hmmm nurnm gurf nummmrm!" Said the deranged ex-Lieutenant

"Hurmgurm def nummm hummm." Answered the Commander.

"What'd he say?" Asked the Captain.

"Well, he either said 'I want a banana,' or 'I like cheese.'"

"Which one makes more sense?"

"Well, considering we're in the middle of an umbrella factory, and he's a superbad villan, neither of them makes any sense."

"Hmmmgh hmmm nurnm gurf nummmrm!"

"Oh! Well, why weren't you clearer before?" He turned to the others. "He actually said 'I'm planning world domination.'"

"In an umbrella factory?"

"Hep." Mumbled Briar resolutley.

"Oh, right. Sooooo, nothing new there."

"Hmmm, no, not really."

"Hrem grurg nurgftden nughtfe mmufff neeehhtsgs uncffe!"

"With that big red button in his hand, what he said cant be good."

"It's not." Agreed the Commander. "He said, 'It's time to eat your shorts."

"But they're new!" Gasped the Corporal. He got clipped over the ear by the Captain.

"Don't be stupid! They belong to the LEP, so they'll get us new ones!"

"Ohhhh!"

"Actually, no we wont." Said the Commander. "It seems some idiot officers decided to take the threat seriously and actually did eat their shorts, so the government dropped the emergency pants fund. Damn those Supervillains and their 'make LEP look like idiots and eat their shorts' plots!"

"The stupidity of some people." Exclaimed the Captain, as the Corporal dropped the pair of pants he'd been nibbling on. Whose they were, I don't know, because he was still wearing his.

"Oh no! He's going to press the button!"

The finger came down dramatically, and PRESS!

Beep beep!

"What was that?" Asked the Corpral.

"Low battery." Whispered the Commander.

"Hurntf! Gurngj! Hurusn! Furntseung ghne dn isobbno!"

The Commander winced.

"Right, time to bring this guy in!" Said the Commander. "Briar Cudgeon, we arrest you on four counts of bad language, two counts of bad head dresses, five counts of trying to destroy Haven with two idiotic plots, and three counts of making everyone who read the Arctic incident believe you died!"

"Hefhne nughe!"

"He said 'Not a chance'"

"Well, he can't get out of here, because there a strategically placed barrels of plastic that he has allowed himself to be cornered by!"

"hefugh shoenf shvmiows mosnff!"

"He said 'I'm related to Mary Poppins'"

"Who?"

Briar Cudgeon opened an umbrella, holding it into the air. Then his feet lifted off the ground, and he flew away in a very copyrighted fashion.

"Oh no! These guns are uselessly equipped for within a ten meter shot, and he's 10.0000000001 meters away!" Exclaimed the Captain

"Curses! We'll get you, Briar Cudgeon! We'll follow you to every random factory under the world!" Howled the Commander.

"Hufhgne nefgs dhfgoeh!"

"He said 'In your dreams'."

And that was when Commander No-name woke up.

"What a strange dream."

His communicator went off.

"Yes, Corporal?"

"Sir, I'm at the umbrella factory. You're not going to believe who is standing on the second floor…"


	2. How Opal Failed with Flowers

**Once again, review! I have taken the suggestions from one of my LOVELY REVIEWERS and am currently writing a failed plot for Spiro, The Mafia Boss, and Pex and Chips. (Not in the same story!) If you are good and REVIEW, I will write one about Artemis's failed plot... that involved LOLLYPOPS!**

**Abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz**

Opal Koboi was standing dramatically on top of a cliff in the human world.

"Freeze Koboi! You're under arrest!" Said the LEP Major Whats-his-name.

"Never!" Said Koboi, whirling around. In one hand she held a blue flower, in the other she held a vial.

"With the super cloning power cleverly concealed within this bottle, I will be able to clone this flower!"

Blank looks all around.

"I will spread blue flowers across the human world, and since the colour blue inspires peacefulness, the whole world will be hypnotized into passivity! And I shall manipulate anything want! I will be able to steal COOKIES from the COOKIE JAR without people seeing me, being hypnotized by my flowers!" Cue evil laugh

"So, she, being the super evil bad guy and all, wants to spread flowers across the world?"

"_Blue_ flowers. And then she's going to be able to steal cookies with no one noticing."

"Oh. That makes sense."

"Mwahahahaha!" Opal laughed manically, dropping one drop of the liquid onto the flower.

"Is this the part where we say 'No! Your evilness, we surrender! Do not harm the aholes that kicked us out of our land, and continually abduct our people,' Or is it the part where we say, 'Nice plan. We like cookies. We'll join you.'"

Captain Not-good-enough-for-a-name scratched his head. "I cant remember. I left the "LEP guide to idiots that are bent on world domination" At home."

"Oh well."

By the time this was said, Opal was still laughing, the flowers now multiplying up, and she was waist deep in them, leaving the oh-so-bright LEP officers wondering why the didnt just SHOOT the damn Pixie.

"She's gonna get a sore throat, laughing like that."

The flowers reached her chin, and Opal realized she had a problem.

"Don't just stand there! I'm drowning!"

"Hey, did you know that 'drowned' doesn't refer to you dying from the act of drowning? Therefore, even if you inhale some water, that means you drowned!"

"Neat, isn't it?"

"Nooooooooooooo!" She cried as the flowers filled her mouth.

"Well I thought it was." Pouted Major Whats-his-name.

END!


End file.
